Lifes been sort of busy lately.

I started work so we had to fit all of Bens appointments around that. He went for an eye results test which basically said they know he can see they still don't know how much and we have to wait 6 more months till he's older.

Then we went for the MRI which was hard because they had to give Ben 2 doses of sleeping medicine before he finally clonked out and we could do the test.

We found a babysitter who we really like. She starts on Monday so now my family can finally have a break. Tomorrow we have to take Ben for his H1N1 shot and then we are going to the movies.

Tonight I get to dress Ben up as a tiger for halloween. Take some photos of him and then hand out candy to older kids which is sort of a fun thing about owning a house.

Kevins police stuff is going to take so much longer then they originally told us which is sucky to wait but nice that we get to stay in the house we really love for longer.

And thats about all our news for now.

So this weekend was awful. It was Kevin's birthday and I had plans to have a nice night with a rented movie, a little gift, pizza, cake you know how it is.

Instead we got home Friday night at 3am so I guess it was more like Saturday morning and there is a message from my mom who was watching Ben that she has an appointment tomorrow she just found out about at 9am and we need to come get Ben. So we get in our car all grumpy to have to drive over there so late at night after working all night.

When we get there I go into Ben's room and I hear the worst most forced breathing ever. I find my baby laying there with his chest rising and falling with such effort. And the noise was soooo loud. My mother tells me he didn't sound like that when she put him to bed but he did have a cold.

We put him in the car to go home but on the drive his breathing is so loud we decide we will take him to emergency where we figure they will send us away saying they cant help with a cold.

When we arrive at least 6 nurses all surround Ben. They take his blood, put an IV into him, put a breathing mask that pumps oxygen on his face and send him for X-Rays...that was at 4:30am


At 9:30am they finally tell us that Ben is too serious to be treated in Cobourg and must be sent by ambulance to Peterborough where he may have to stay over night. Only one parent can go in the ambulance so Kevin calls him parents to drive up with him while I go with Ben.

When we get to Peterborough we are told that Ben will have to stay longer then just one night and that he is fighting very hard to breath. I stay at the hospital with Ben while Kevin has to go to work till Monday afternoon when I had to go to work too so My mother stayed with Ben.

He finally came home Tuesday afternoon sounding more like a normal child with a cold would and today he sounds almost 100% better but we have been told when he gets a cold it will almost always mean a stay in the hospital and if he ever gets the flu things might be even worse and we have to be really strict about who gets him and how their health is.

It was an awful weekend but at least he is home now. I feel very grateful that he is getting better. Next weekend we will do fun things to make up for Kevin's birthday

Tomorrow is my last day before I go back to work. and like any good mother about to be gone from her baby everyday after tomorrow I am having him babysat haha. No just for like an hour while Kevin and I go to the fair. Then we will go back to Kevin's moms for dinner and take care of our baby after that.

I am really nervous about leaving him though especially with a stranger. I wish someone I knew was working for me. Then I wouldn't be nervous at all. But like really outrageous things you see on like dateline run through my head like babysitter baby snatchers. I really don't think the overweight 55 year old lady we hired is going to steal my baby but it crosses my mind. We are paying her pretty well I think so it would be in her interest to not snatch him so she keeps getting paid.

We have so many doctors appointments now. We go to at least 1 a week. In October we have to make 3 trips to Toronto. Twice for sick kids and once for KISS cause I bought Kevin tickets for his birthday.

Anyways I better go back to spending time with Ben while I have the chance since I think he just woke up.

So I start work back starting on the 21st. One more week at home with my baby. Sort of looking forward to it although I think that will last 1 solid day before I hate it and wish I didn't have to be there. I am on night shift training which makes it pretty hard to organize all the baby sitters as Kevin is also on nights for at least 1 week into my training. After that we hope he changes to a better shift but who knows for sure.

I am sad about leaving my Ben. I will miss him sooo sooo much. On a good note at least for the first week I can spend a bit more time with Kevin on the drive to and from work. And we will be sleeping the same so we will get time at home together. But for week 1 Ben has to go to my mothers for like 2 days and I will just hurt in my heart when I think about him.

Kevin has been missing a lot of sleep lately and didn't get home last night till like 4am so Ben and I left so he could sleep uninterrupted. I didn't come back before he left either because he would only be around for like an hour before work...but it looks like he cut the grass within that hour so thats good of him. I miss him now though since I won't see him till he wakes up tomorrow. It's hard when I know he's in the other room and I really want to see him but I know he needs rest. Tomorrow is his day off. I hope we have a nice day.

Tuesday this week is his other day off and it is like INSANE busy. We have 2 doctors appointments plus a home visit from some guy to assess Ben's "condition" we're not even sure what this guy actually does for us so I'm not excited to meet him cause I don't understand his job description. A lot of people will come to your house when your kid is disabled. Which I guess is okay. They say its to cause you less stress of taking him out which is true it is hard to go out with Ben but I find it more stressful to have them come here becuase I feel I need to clean everything when I really just want to hang out with Ben and do his exercises and make him laugh.

His second tooth just barely popped through the gums tonight. It is like the smallest little sharp corner but it is there. Hopefully he will feel better now that its coming through.

I still feel bad when I see normal babies doing so easily what we struggle to teach Ben to do. I wish I could take it all away from him. But I have to remind myself that Ben is what he is and it doesn't change who he is as a person its just going to be a longer road for him to do what I take for granted as so easy. I would never want to not have Ben. Now that he is here disabilities and all he is the most wonderful thing that ever entered my life. I feel lucky that Ben doesn't have some of the awful things that effect children. To be a parent and be told your child will not live makes me feel selfish for crying over CP. Ben will still be here when I wake up tomorrow. When we go to sick kids and I see the parents who don't have that luxury I just don't know how anyone could go on after that. I don't really pray a lot but when I do I like to thank God for giving me Ben and letting me have him for my whole life.

Sorry for anyone who actually took the time to read it this far and got to the morbid tone at the end. I just write in my LJ's how I'm feeling. I start of thinking about work which means I think about leaving Ben which leads me to thinking about just how awesome having a child really super is.

We took Ben to the neurologist today. He for sure has Cerebral palsy. He needs the MRI to find out how sever but it doesn't look good. He needs the physiotherapy as soon as possible. I have an appointment on the 10th but I wish it was 100 times sooner. I feel numb. He is my most precious thing and I feel like I couldn't protect him. I have a million questions about how bad it is and what this means and how many functions will he have in the future. None of these things will get answered without the MRI and it will take months to get an appointment.

So we have decided to tell people other then our family what is going on with us and Ben. Before this we were still dealing with it ourselves.

We have been noticing for a long time that Ben hasn't been doing new things as quickly as other babies and was rapidly falling behind. We also have always known how raspy and loud his breathing was.

We took him to a pediatrician to see what was up and it seems that Ben may have cerebral palsy. He may also have vision problems. He is currently waiting on eye tests and an MRI. We have an appointment with a physiotherapist in September.

This Monday I took him up to sick kids where he had many many tests done. I had to stay the night which I didn't plan on. We have to go back on Saturday to see a neurologist about his brain and see what he thinks about it being cerebral palsy.

We are not sure what caused this. He either suffered a trauma during pregnancy or birth. As far as we can remember there didn't seem anything traumatic about either but who knows. We probably never will.

We were devastated at first and felt like all our dreams for our baby in the future were gone. But we are dealing better now, still sad, but better. Our dreams may take longer for Ben to reach or they may just have to change entirely. But we love Ben the same if not more and he will always be our perfect baby.


In other news because of all of what was going on we felt we were neglecting Lily. And there is a chance not having her could help with Ben's breathing. She has found a new home and will be leaving tomorrow afternoon. We are of 2 minds because we love her and will miss her a lot. We feel as though we are throwing her away, but we have to do what is best for our family.

I am pretty sure everyone who reads my lj is on my facebook but just in case you miss it on there we need to get rid of Lily to help Ben's breathing.


She is a good girl who is liter trained. She does have claws but wont scratch anything if she has a scratching post. You can have ours but its well used. She loves to cuddle and be near people.

We will give you a food and water dish a bag of food and a bag of litter so let me know if you want her

We are back from Niagara. We are the only people ever I think to go all the way there and not see the falls but we have seen them before and we're having a good time doing other stuff.

When we got there the lady recommended we upgrade to a cabin do to the rain so we did and we were mighty happy we did.

It was really fun. We went swimming and in the hot tub. We played mini golf and then had a really fun and long game of monopoly on our little cabins front porch while watching the lightning. And then we talked while drinking coke and watched the rain. It was super nice. It felt like we were just young and dating and didn't have house responsibilities and life worries which we do want but sometimes its nice to be a young 20 something again instead of a parent.

The next day we drove to yorkdale mall and looked through all the Toronto nice baby stores and bough Ben an awesome sleeper covered in rocket ships and some cute jeans and then we went and saw Julie and Julia cause Kevin was being nice to me but we both really liked it.

When we got home we had missed Ben so much we covered him in hugs and kisses and showed him what we bought him. It was nice to be away but its nice to be home too.

We feel much better and are pulling ourselves out of our sad funk. Life goes on and Ben's babyhood goes by so fast we have to have fun with him while we can.

Tomorrow is our first wedding anniversary. It feels like we've been married only a month but had Benjamin forever. Maybe because Kevin and I were still Kevin and I after the wedding but Benjamin changed our whole lives forever.

We are heading to Niagara Falls tomorrow for an over night camping trip...its supposed to rain but we have plans to sleep in the back of the van if it does. We are leaving Ben with my parents. I think we need to get away and have some fun. We've had some stressful times in the last 2 weeks and luckily haven't fought at all with each other. We just lean on each other for support which is good.

I just put Ben to bed. He is my wonderfulness in life. He makes me smile all the time. I feel I need a break and a sleep in but I am sure by the time we pick him up Monday evening I will have missed him sooo sooo much.

I feel very reclusive lately but I kind of enjoy it. I feel like I just have to deal with my own stuff and not worry about others problems or if I was rude to them and didn't mean to be. We just are being happy living in solitude. We have been talking to Trevor and Crystal about being parents and stuff through facebook but other then that just keeping to ourselves mostly.

Anyways other then that nothing else to report. Just wanted to say Happy Anniversary Kevin. It's been a busy and stressful first year but a very happy one too. I love you so much and I feel super lucky I found you. Poster couple for online dating haha but I wouldn't have met you otherwise so I am thankful for that. Your my one and only and I'll miss you terribly when you leave next year Hugs and Kisses and I'll see you in the morning when I push your groggy no sleep butt into the car.

So Ben turns 6 months old tomorrow. Some days it feels like hes been around forever and other days I am like what happened to my newborn?

Sometimes he turns his head in such a way that you can see past the baby fat cheeks and see a glimpse of what my little boy will look like when he is older.

Kevin is still in bed. I'll let him be for another hour. Its really hard not to wake him up because I get bored and miss him. He is gone or sleeping so much that I get lonely without him. He is my best friend...He has to leave an hour earlier today too I think. But tomorrow is his day off so that's good.

Our anniversary is next month. We are going camping in Niagara as long as nothing changes. I don't usually like camping but its something fun we can do on the budget we have and it will be nice to have some alone time. Niagara has fireworks on Sunday nights so it will be nice to go see those too.

Sometimes we have small petty little arguments about how were out of light bulbs or we forgot garbage day. Its always about responsibilities and I think no one would raise a foul tone if we both weren't so tired all the time.

I am looking forward to going away and just having some fun times and talking like we always used to. We still do but its in the middle of diaper changes and feedings and lawn cutting. Were planning on doing a big grocery shop for it and just eat really good food while were there. Theres no drinking on our campsite but that's fine.

Kevin and I are sort of over drinking. Every time I think about it I always think of how I will feel the next day and I always think I want to enjoy tomorrow as much as I am enjoying today. Plus I get tired of every person we hang out with telling us how hungover they are. It makes us feel like wow glad you had a really great night last night and now your here with us your to sick to have any fun. It's happened many times with many different people.

We both love our life. Other then money everything in our lives feels exactly the way it should. When Kevin gets in the RCMP we are sad to leave our house. We love our house. But we will hopefully find another home we love just as much. We both love our Benny Bear. We can spend 1/2 an hour just trying to make him laugh because those 2 seconds of laughter make us both so happy.

We have plans to try and finish the kitchen before the summer is over so we can paint the cupboards outside and the downstairs room is 1/2 dry walled but we can do that in the winter too. We just need to find some money and buy some paint. I have 3 other rooms I'd like painted too. Plus once the downstairs in done it needs painting and all the baseboards do too. So much to get done so the house is sellable before Kevin leaves and I'm left to try and do it on my own.

Once the kitchen is done our bedroom is number 1 priority. Its the one room that makes everyone go WOW even the red room doesn't as bad...then the bathroom because its a hideous green. Then the unfinished room. And lastly the red room. Its my last priority because even though it needs to be more neutral. If it didn't get done....whatever it doesn't really look all that bad. Its just very bright.

ugh could things ever just be easy. Today I got a maternity check in the mail which is normal except that my maternity was supposed to be over last month. So I phoned them and they said I have benefits till Sept 26 and I was like no I called you before and you told me it was until June 11th and she goes no that's when your mat ran out but this is your paternity.

Which is just perfect since I'm supposed to start my job on Monday. I worked it out. After taxes and daycare I make 22 bucks a week more if I go to work which will be spent on gas anyways. But if I don't go back I'll have to find a job all over again in October...But Ben would be 8 months old not 5.5 and I would get to enjoy 2 more months of his babyhood with him.

Its really no decision for me. I want to be home with my baby for as long as I possibly can and as far as I can see the money difference is not large enough to change my mind...but I found all this out after Kevin went to work so I have to talk to him about it and I'm afraid he wont want me to stay home anymore...I guess I'll find out tomorrow.

So I started work tonight...at nucomm. I have been offered another job but they haven't told me a start date and for fear that the start date is miles away or for some reason the job falls through I went to my first day of training. I was trying to sit next to one girl who looked like a possible training chum but got stuck next to some guy who turned out to be super funny and I really like him so that worked out. He just graduated from philosphy at york and has no money so he's given himself 6 months of nucomm to find something better while saving money living with his parents.

It was a long hard day. First it doesnt start till 4pm and end till midnight which is hell with my Ben 6am wakeups and then its so slow and this is this guys first training class ever so he will not budge an inch on going home early. We left at exactly 12:00 on the dot even though he ran out of stuff to teach at 10:45. Plus they are trying to convince people its a nice place to work and I know it isn't. And then they bring in a team leader who basically tells people to grow a thick skin and forget being sensitive because she will yell at you to "get you where you need to be on the floor"

I am very sensitive. I cry A LOT and I always mean it with my whole heart when I cry. I dont just cry to make someone feel bad I can't hold it in. I know that if someone yells at me at work I will feel HORRIBLE about myself. I don't want to deal with that. Not after 6 months of nice Hayley time and 6 months of enjoying my baby boy...the best boss I have ever had. My life for the past year has been so wonderful I just feel so sad to be there. I pray that my other job calls me really really soon because I don't want to go anymore.

I wish Kevin was already done his training and we could get our lives started.

Right now Ben will be at my moms while I am at nucomm but soon he will go to a day care which breaks my heart to leave my little itty bitty boy with a stranger. Even just writing about it my eyes have filled with tears (hence the easily crying thing I have) I always knew I would have to leave him one day but I really don't want to. I have never wanted to do anything less.

We got the word today that Kevin passed his polygraph which is a big thing. A lot of people either fail the physical test (done forever ago) or the polygraph so we were so excited when we heard.

From here he has to have a medical physical from an RCMP physician and they are doing the background checks now on all of our family and references. And then he might have to run the physical test again just before he goes to training but other then that I think he's pretty much done.

The guy said with any luck he will be shipped to boot camp in early 2010 which is what we expected and then 6 months later he will graduate and Ben and I will join him wherever he gets stationed.

I have so excited for him and a little sad that I know it's not long till he leaves. I hope he goes after Jan 19th so he is here for Ben's first birthday. We'll have to have a big party once we get the official word that he is in.

Ben is changing quite a bit. He gets bored easily now and loves when you let him stand on your legs or "jump" from place to place. He still is a bit weak on head control but we are working on it. Sometimes I get nervous that he is falling behind other babies his age but I just try to remember I wont be at his high school grad watching him struggle to hold his head up. He will learn in his own time.

Tomorrow is fathers day and I have a nice gift for Kevin. Then we are going to my moms for dinner with my dad. At the end of the month Kevin and I are hoping to go on a date night. I start working in the next few weeks and then we really will never see each other so it will be good to make the time.

So tonight I had a bath, I usually only do when Kevin is home so he can watch Ben but we are going to Orillia tomorrow and I will have to get Ben all ready and fed and bathed plus wake Kevin up so he can stumble around in half asleep mode to get dressed and sleep in the car. So I had to do it tonight.

I strapped Ben into his baby rocking chair and put it in front of the tub. He struggled to get out just like always and drooled all over while I wiped his face with my towel and he stared at the amazing polka dot shower curtain.

As I watched him I thought how gorgeous I think he is. And how much I love him. He has his daddies hair which is one of my favorite things about Kevin's looks and my hair is so thin and straight. He has his daddies eye shape too which is good cause my whole life people have told me how squinty my eyes are so I am glad his are so open and nice. He has his grandfather (my dads) eye colour. A deep dark navy blue. I always wanted that colour since all my siblings have it but I have grey like my grandma. But Ben's eyes remind me of my dad which is nice.

He has my cheeks and lips and chin which is probably the better features of my face so that makes me happy. People always like my lips so that's good. And he has my complection which is nice because I get compliments on that too. He still has a baby nose so the jury is out for a few years as to who's nose it is.

He is in the 50th percentile for weight so he is perfectly normal in weight and the 90th for height so he is my big tall boy.

I just feel like when putting Kevin and I together God couldn't have done a better job then he did with Ben. He is perfect to me in every way.

He has his own personality already. He is a serious boy so when he does smile or laugh you know he means it. Ben doesn't give you smiles for free. and he is very independent. Always trying so hard to get up and run away to get to some other place. He wishes so much he could walk. He loves to pretend stand on my legs. But he also loves his cuddles. He likes to be held. Especially when he is tired. His best sleeps are on mommy or daddies chest. and he is so cute that way... that's why there are so many photos of him sleeping like that on his daddy.

Ben is the best part of my life even on his most trying days. He is a wonderful little person who has given my life so much meaning...and I thought of all this while in the tub wiping away his bubbles.

I was thinking tonight about this girl I know who likes disney and jonas brothers and hannah montana (no Jenny not you haha) And how we try to be friends and we get along okay but we don't have enough in common to be best friends.

I miss having a best girlfriend sometimes. I feel super lucky to have met Kevin and he is totally my best friend. So much so I can live with him and see him everyday for the rest of my life and not get tired of him and still wake up the next day and be excited for when he wakes up so we can hang out. But I do miss an actual girlfriend

I have a few friends who are girls but I never feel like I have a TON in common with them. A lot of times what I like they don't and what they are into I am not. In high school it seemed easier to have things in common then it is now.

Not that I want to meet an exact replica. Even Kevin isn't that. There are tons of things we don't like that the other one does but there is enough that we do like that we can do together. Neither of us are big drinkers, we like movies even if it isn't the same movies, I think Kevin is super funny and sometimes I can make him laugh too. We can have really long talks about nothing really and I really like those in bed or on a walk or in the car. Plus we both like mustard (inside kevin hayley joke)

Sometimes I wish I had that girlfriend but then I would hope she would have a boyfriend/husband that could be good friends with Kevin and we could all be happy together haha.

But now that I've written out this journal I feel pretty lucky to have such a good best friend even if its not a girl and he doesn't want to watch the newest chick flick he is still the best friend I could ever imagine and no girl would ever beat him at that.

LONG RAMBLINGS to sum it up if you don't want to read it...happy my life has no drama but I like hearing about others drama


So everyday I usually read a lj post or a facebook message or hear some gossip from other friends about someone who has got a new bf or broke up or is pregnant or got a new job. Its nice for me to hear. I spend a lot of time with my baby and a lot of time with Kevin. I have very little news for Kevin other then what cute thing Ben did so these things give me a story for him. He has work stories so it works well.

It's also nice to hear about other peoples plans. Your whole life you make plans. In high school you plan for college in college you plan for your big career in the "field" of your choice. A field you chose at 17 18 or 19 which for me was a while ago and I feel differently now. I feel happy for the people who chose a field back then and it is still what they feel they want to do. You are lucky. Once you get that job you plan to meet your significant other or if you have done that take the next step...marriage...move in together...buy a house...whatever that step is for you. After that you can buy a house or a condo or maybe have a baby. Whatever your next plan is. But eventually you run out of plans.

My only goal or plan is to raise as best a son as I can and hope that as many of his plans come true for him. With have an RCMP plan but ultimately that is to have a stable future for Ben to help us with our original plan of raising as good a son and future children as possible.

I like hearing about people still on their journey. When they think maybe they found that significant other or they got that dream field job or they buy their house they get engaged they have their baby.

It is also nice to hear all of the hard things that go along with that journey from not finding that guy or girl to getting fired. It is nice to know that we are done with that and I feel super content about it even on my most stressful Ben days.

Kevin and I did the school thing and we did the does he love me doesn't he love me thing. We got through the terrible first year of living together (we both look at it as a bad year and the year that made us a strong couple I think)We made it through me being fired from my first "field" job. We got through a 14 month wedding planning which can be fun but is a lot of fighting and family stress. We threw into that family stress a pregnancy just 4 months until the wedding. We bought a house which is a lot harder then you would think. We made it through being laid off. We got through that pregnancy and through the birth together. We made it past the being to poor for Kevin to stay home with his newborn son. We are now past that first AWFUL month of being very inexperienced dumb sleep deprived new parents...and some how so did Ben.

We are still struggling through being a low income family and are working on making that less of a problem for our son. But all in all other then some money stress and a few days where I still feel like that first month new mother I really love the no drama happy with the one I am with never worry he will leave me guy life that I was blessed with.

so we went to toronto yesterday for a doctor appointment. we visited kevins sistetr and rachel since we never get to go see them. I missed my baby but its nice being alone with kevin sometimes. I was super excited to see Ben when we got back. he looked so beautiful to me when I held him. I love him sooo much.

toronto was very loud and frustrating. Store clerks are so bitchy. there are good parts to it and I can see why people like it but its not for me. i was glad to come home to sleepy colborne and my house.

It was nice to see people though. I ate a great bagel - bad diet day and learned I am pretty good at rock band singing set to easy.

i also got to see rachels apartment and meet her new guy. he was very nice and slightly quiet or shy but maybe because i talked to much i dont get a lot of adult conversation. my new top 2 sentances are would you like a diaper change or its bottle time with look whos standing my big standing man coming in 3rd.

I lost 3.5 pounds at weight watchers. you can totally see it haha okay no you cant but its a good start. this week my goal is to be more active I am going to try and take advantage of time when kevin can watch ben or take ben out for walks. I need 1/2 an hour a day according to my weight so that shouldn't be to bad. Although I never feel like doing it.

Today we are going to Kingston for Kevin's interview. I am meeting an old friend across the street at a mall. I am kinda nervous since we fell out in high school and have only started talking again because we both have babies 2 months apart. And I am not bringing Ben with me so I hope we can still bond or something. I just feel awkward in situations like this and then I regret calling the person and wish I had just gone to the mall on my own.

I hope Kevin does well. I am not really nervous for him though. I think he is going to be fine. He is well prepared and he just has to be himself and he will do great.

Well I didn't get my job. Disappointed. The person who got it had lots of experience which is what they always say to me. No one will give me a chance to get experience though. They always say everything is great about me except that I have never done the job before...

I plan to go apply for house keeping jobs next. The hours are good for Bens daycare again. I hope there is still an opening for Ben at the day care by the time I get a job.

I cheated on my diet last night. Felt terribly guilty. I have been very good so far today. I plan to be good for the rest of the week. Its very important that Ben has a healthy mom who will be around for a long time and has lots of energy to play with him. He deserves that. Plus if I do get a house keeping job less weight will make the physicalness of the job easier...and the physicalness of the job will hopefully help some of the weight come off too.

If I did get a job like that I kind of like the idea of not having to deal with customers really and just going about my business...maybe your allowed to wear your Ipod.

Kevin's big interview is tomorrow. Today will be about getting ready for that since he wont be home tonight till 3 and then he will be sleeping most of the morning. When he gets up we just have to get him ready and go so we need to get organized today.